ha ha I just took in the biggest breath and let it out really slowly, like I was getting ready to do something that required a lot of breath. Sometimes I get a little dramatic and have to stop myself and say "Is it really that bad?"
Sometimes I really feel like the closer I get to my Father in Heaven, the harder the adversary works on me. Over the last 6 months we have worked really hard at getting our testimonies strong and have started doing the things we need to in order to enter into the Temple. Jon was ordained to the office of an Elder at Stake Conference and last Sunday was able to bless both of our children. It was such an amazing experience. I cannot even think of words that could begin to describe the feeling I had as he laid his hands upon their heads and let the spirit take over. Speechless.... and that does not happen often for me.
This weekend was not so easy for me. It's not even like something happened that set me over the top emotionally. There was no straw that broke the camel's back or a big argument that pushed me over the edge. I'm just emotional this weekend. Jon left to Roosevelt last night to see his dad and ordain him to the office of a Priest (pretty cool if you ask me how Jon has had such an amazing impact on his family and mine.) I had agreed to watch my sister's children for their anniversary and couldn't go with him. So as he left last night, a huge wave of emotion hit me. It didn't help that he called me from the road to inform me that he got a speeding ticket - a quite expensive one I might add. I went to bed last night totally drained emotionally with NO intention of waking up early to go to church. But at 4:30am when Tanner woke up to eat, I had a change of heart. I knew that I needed to be at church today, that when I feel like I'm struggling that's when I need to be there the most.
So I got up and got myself and the two boys ready for church. Amazingly enough I made it there on time. I get us all situated and ready to absorb the things that I needed to hear.... and Gavin has to go potty. I get the baby out of his car seat and take Gavin to the potty. Get back into my seat just as they finish the opening hymn. After the opening prayer Gavin decides that he needs his cup of juice but is unable to get any juice out of it because he has bit the mouthpiece and clamped it shut. So he violently shakes his cup of fruit punch in an effort to free the juice from the cup. After arguing with him about the juice for a good 5 minutes he is finally distracted and gives up the cup. THANK YOU! I made it though the passing of the sacrament and part way into the first talk when Gavin decides he needs to go to the bathroom again. I say "You just went potty" and he announces quite loudly that he doesn't need to potty... he needs to "GO POOP!" Oy! Tanner was fast asleep in his seat and I was not about to wake him up. Thankfully, one of the great sisters in my ward offered to keep an eye on Tanner while I took Gavin out. We get to the bathroom and Gavin sits down and immediately says "I'm done!" I tell him that he has no more trips to the potty so if he needs to go he better do it now. He insists that he doesn't need to go now and we head back to the chapel. He asks if he can color so I set him up with the tin of crayons and a coloring book. Whose brilliant idea was it to put the crayons in a tin??? Oh yeah... mine. "SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE" he cannot be any louder with the stupid crayon tin. I finally get him quieted down with the crayons and we've got about 10 minutes left in Sacrament when he announces yet again that he has to "GO POOP!" I need to teach him to whisper. Seriously. I try to get him to wait the remaining ten minutes but he begins to scream... so out we go again... again ditching Tanner with the sister sitting behind us. You can imagine the scene in the bathroom again... gets in there.... pants down... and magically he doesn't have to go anymore. OY! Get back to the chapel in the middle of the closing hymn.
Finally I get him dropped off in primary and I'm sooo looking forward to being able to sit in Sunday school and Relief Society ready to hear the great message that they had prepared JUST for me. As I sat in Sunday school I could not focus. Tanner got a little fussy so I had to excuse myself long enough to get him a bottle. Normally I would feed him in the hallway but I was so intent on feeling the spirit and getting SOMETHING out of my meeting that I fed him in class. With about 15 minutes left in Sunday school the door opens and here comes the Sunbeam teacher carrying my little Gavin. "He said he doesn't feel good." I just smiled at her and took Gavin. He sat in the chair next to me and started commenting on the basketball hoop on the ceiling and wanted to know where his toy was and then he says "I missed you, can I go back to my class now?" Knowing that it was going to be a lot of back and forth I loaded up the boys and went out into the hallway. I asked Gavin if he was ready to go back to class and he insisted that he was sick and needed to go home.
I cried the entire way to the car. WHY did I even come to church today??? What was so important for me to learn... did I miss it? Was I too wrapped up in keeping my kid quiet that I missed the thing that I needed to hear today?? I went home feeling so discouraged and frustrated, fed Gavin lunch and sent him to bed. Tanner was sleeping peacefully so I took a few minutes to myself and cried. Sometimes crying can be so cleansing. I cried for a solid 10 minutes as I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to teach me something from this. I hopped online not really feeling any better and checked an old friend's blog.
In her blog she expressed how much she appreciated how the spirit can speak to us in different ways, specifically through music. In the past she has described her challenges in raising a son who battles with Autism. While it may not always be easy for her, she always smiles and has such a positive outlook on life. It really made me realize that I have taken so much for granted. All of the times where I had my husband beside me to help with noisy fighting kids and a crying baby. All of the times that my children have played quietly instead of causing a scene. All of the times that my kids have crawled into my lap and told me that they love me.
In all things there is a balance. We need the hard times to make the good times so much sweeter. We need the horrible Sunday's where we battle with out children to appreciate the ones where they sit quietly and come home excited to tell you what they learned about in primary. I love my kids. I love my husband. I love my friends who inspire me when they don't even realize it.
Desire vs. Motivation
1 year ago